A lot of cooking..

Thanks to everyone who stopped by my blog for ICLW. It really is a great feeling to have support from so many women who are going through similar circumstances.

I had a relaxing and happy birthday. We went out to dinner for sushi and then went to a different place for dessert. We had something called "coffee and doughnuts" which is bread pudding made with doughnuts with a creme anglaise sauce served with coffee ice cream. I don't even like coffee and this was delicious! In fact, we have been eating like crazy since we have been on vacation. My sister and I both like to cook, so we get a little out of control sometimes. Then we watched Julie and Julia last night so I dreamed about cooking all night.

So today we are going food shopping (surprise!), taking the dogs to the beach, cooking, and wrapping some presents. My sister and I both made our parents albums of our weddings as part of their presents this year. They arrived yesterday and they are beautiful! When I look back at those pictures it makes me think of how full of possibility we felt. You just feel like everything is going to be perfect. Oh well.

The other thing I have been thinking a lot about is that my sister told me about 2 months ago that she and her husband have also been trying to get pregnant. They have been trying for about 6 months. She is 5 years younger than me. She works in the university system, so she has to follow a certain protocol for her health care. She went to her regular OB/GYN, who did not mention anything about referring her to an RE. Her cycles are very long. I wish she would have asked about getting some tests started, but maybe they won't do that yet. I talked to her a little about seeing an RE and just starting to get some baseline info. It can't hurt. I know she is frustrated and disappointed. How can you not be?

Well, I am going to enjoy my day. Hope everyone else does the same!

I haven't posted in a while, with recovering from surgery and now we are in Florida visiting my family for Christmas. The trip across the country was rather eventful, traveling with 2 dogs and almost missing our connecting flight. Of course our luggage did not arrive until the next day. Running to catch our plane in Dallas did not speed the recovery from surgery any, let me tell you.

But, we are here now and it has been very relaxing. Today is my birthday, and I'm trying to be happy about celebrating it, but I just keep thinking that I am a year older and still no baby. Ugh. However, since I had surgery 2 weeks ago and we are not having any other treatments this month, I am not taking my temperature every day, not taking any OPK's, (trying) not to obsess over bodily symptoms, no sex on a schedule (gasp!) etc. So, we are having sushi tonight!

When I saw my RE for my follow up appointment it was very quick. The best part was that I didn't have to take my pants off! He basically said he felt very hopeful, and even if one of my tubes was not functioning well it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I saw all the pictures of my insides, and I go back in about 2 weeks when we get home from vacation.

If you read my last post about my weird dream, I had another one. This time I worked in a research facility, and there was a little dog there that looked a lot like my dog. The dog was pregnant with an alien baby, and it kept running away because it didn't want us to abort the baby. I know this because the dog talked to me. I may have a small amount of anxiety about all of this.....

Dreams

Last night I had a dream that my husband and I had to go to the RE, and when we got there the first thing we did was swim with dolphins. I was thinking it was kind of strange, but DH was loving it. After our swim, we were watching others through a window, and one of the doctors I work with was swimming with the dolphins. I got upset and said she was cheating and had lied to get there because I know she doesn't want children.

So, we went to talk to the doctor, and it was in a big room with a lot of tables and many other couples. The doctor told me I have a rare form of diabetes, so we will need to use donor eggs. This was a complete shock to me, but DH acted like it was no big deal. When he saw I was having a hard time with it, he said "you were ok with adoption, so what's the problem?"

No one understood that this was a difficult idea to adjust to.

Then they just sent us over to another table to learn how to give injections, and apparently was supposed to give them in my finger. Weird.

After we left the doctor I got in an empty car outside a pet store and was using a computer to "preserve" some eggs and sperm. When the owner of the car came back, he didn't seem to think it was strange that I was in his car, using his computer. I got out of his car and went into the pet store, where there were hundreds of baby birds in incubators pecking at little styrofoam ball type things.

I think I must be having a bit of anxiety about things. Our subconscious is so interesting. It will be good to see the doctor for my follow up appointment to clear some things up and formulate a plan.

Hoping my sleep is dream free tonight....

Wow

Did you know that if you try to order Mel's book, "Navigating the Land of IF" on Amazon, there is an option to add it to your baby registry? Ironic, huh?

Post op

I actually have some good news from my surgery! Honestly, it's still hard for me to believe and accept, because I prepared myself for the worst.

The doctor said when he went in, one tube was already open (really?!?) and he was able to pass the cannula through my other tube. He was only able to get the dye to spill from one side though. I don't really know the significance of that, but I plan on asking him more about it at my follow up appointment. There were no fibroids or polyps, and everything inside my uterus looked fine. He did remove a bit of endometriosis and took care of some scarring and adhesions from my previous surgery.

I don't really remember talking to the doctor after surgery, but he told my husband and best friend that it was good news, he was very happy, and we would move on to the next step when I was healed.

Everyone at the surgical center was wonderful, I felt very well cared for. The only problem was my crappy veins. They couldn't get an IV catheter in, so finally the anesthesiologist got it in. I knew that was going to happen as I have the world's worst veins. I felt pretty crappy after I woke up and the next day. The worst part was that I was so incredibly tired but I couldn't actually fall asleep. My abdomen and shoulders were fairly uncomfortable. I didn't feel too nauseous, but I wasn't really hungry either. Peeing was a real bitch for the first day since they had placed a Foley urinary catheter. I was finally able to sleep last night, so I feel so much better today.

So, I don't know if it was the acupuncture, herbs, or prayers that opened up my tube, but I am very grateful! My husband is super optimistic that everything is going to work out now. I am more cautiously optimistic. I know how many things can go wrong, but I really want to be positive. When I have my follow up appointment, we are going to discuss the plan of action. When I asked prior to the surgery what the plan would be if he was able to open my tubes, he said he would probably recommend several stimulated IUI cycles first. I think we decided 3-4 would be our limit before we moved on to IVF. I think I am ok with this. If it works, that would be wonderful. If it doesn't, I don't feel like we have wasted too much time.

On a weird side note, 2 of our 3 dogs got sick (vomiting and diarrhea) the day of my surgery. I think they got themselves so worked up because they knew something was going on. Poor hubby has had to take care of me and them, and he doesn't have the strongest stomach when it comes to gross things.

My best friend has brought us homemade soup and has come by to take the crazy border collie for a walk every day so that none of us lose our minds. She is just awesome and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I feel very blessed by all the love and caring we have experienced from friends and family throughout this.

The Lord of the Rings is on TV (my favorite!) so I'm just going to veg out and fall asleep watching!

Everything takes longer than you planned for

This morning I had to go have my preop labwork done and silly me, I thought it would be quick and easy. I went to the lab that opened the earliest, 7am, so that I could not be too late to work. I gave my lab requisition and insurance card to the front desk, and waited. 25 minutes later, I was told that oops, they don't do blood typing at this lab anymore, so I will have to go over to the hospital.

Side note here, I take my 3 dogs to work with me everyday, so they were in the car. The 2 little dogs are no problem, but we recently adopted a border collie that had been kicked by a cow and had a broken leg. He is not quite a year old. If anyone has ever owned or known a border collie, you will understand the insanity that he often creates in my life. Because of his very strong herding instincts, he really doesn't like any of his "herd" being away from him. I am part of his herd, and he just about loses his mind when I leave the car. The barking that ensues is embarrassing, to say the least. What can I say, we're working on this behavior.

So, instead of parking in the nice, quiet, empty parking lot of the lab, now I have to park on the busy street near the hospital. The whole time I am away from my car I am just hoping that no one calls the police or Animal Control. I wandered around the hospital that is being remodeled for a while trying to find the lab. When I did find it, they were very efficient and I had the best phlebotomist ever. Which was great, because by this time I am going to be much later for work than I had originally thought. Then, when I was leaving I was waiting for the elevator, and when the doors opened a mom and 4 small children exited. The smallest girl, who was about 4 was staring at me intently. I smiled and waved, and she smiled and waved back. I got in the elevator and stepped to the side to push the button for my floor. The doors are closing, and the next thing I know, that little girl is in the elevator with me! When the doors closed, she looked very concerned and surprised. My first thought was, oh my god I've abducted a child! It was too late to change the direction of the elevator, so we had to go down and back up again, where her mother was waiting. All she could say was "I don't know why she would do that!"

With my emotions running amok lately, it was all I could do not to burst into tears. I was just wishing I could have a small child of my own to follow me around all the time. Ugh, just can't get away from everything that reminds me of my problems. Maybe it was a good omen, I'd rather think of it that way.

Preop

Today I had my preop appointment with my RE. We went over everything he would be doing during the surgery. So, it will be a lap and a hysteroscopy. The only thing that surprised me a little was that he wanted my permission to remove my tube(s) if they were blocked at both ends and filled with fluid since that could interfere with IVF in the future and could also cause me future problems with pain, etc. This is fine with me, as I know that can cause problems with IVF, but the thought of actually not having a tube or tubes....well it's a little disconcerting. If that's the case, there would not be any chance of a miracle happening, ever. I've just got to let go of my messed up tube if I have to. Funny how we want to hold onto hope of any kind.

For some unknown reason, I thought I would just be talking to the doctor today. Silly me. No, I had to have the full exam. Vaginal, ultrasound, breast, the works. I had a moment of modesty today when I realized I was having a breast exam. Because, you know, the doctor's only seen my lady parts countless times, but for some reason I was feeling shy about the boobs. Weird.

Lately I've been thinking about all the things that happen to animals when I put them under anesthesia, and hoping that I don't do anything embarrassing. Guess I'll never know since I'll be asleep. My husband is freaking out about the nothing to eat or drink after midnight. He thinks we need to go have a meal at 11pm. Eating is real important to him. I keep telling him I'll be fine, when I get nervous I'm not very hungry anyway, but I don't think he's buying it. He's already bought me all kinds of goodies for after the surgery.

I also had acupuncture today. There is no end in sight for the hideous herbs. I thought maybe I'd get used to them and it would get easier, but it's not happening. Some of my acupuncture points were extra painful today. I wonder if it makes a difference when you are tense and nervous. I need to work on meditating and relaxing. Only 2 days to go!