Turtles and deer

My acupuncturist sent me a list of everything that is in my chinese herb preparation because I am sure my RE will ask for it. The names were all in chinese, so of course, being the OCD person I am, I set out to google each and every one of them (there were about 50). Turns out, I am ingesting ossified deer antler and fresh water turtle shell along with more mundane things such as cinnamon and Sargassum seaweed. No wonder that shit tastes so bad. Now I'm thinking I was better off not knowing.

I am sitting here now with a heating pad on my head since I'm working up to a real whopper of a headache. I know that most people find relief from headaches with cold, but cold does nothing for me except make me grumpy. I don't know if it's the acupuncture or herbs or what, but this period is different. Warning of possible TMI to come. Usually I have a tiny bit of spotting several days before my period starts, then one day of moderate bleeding, then very light for 2 days. This time I still had a little spotting for 2 days before I started, but the cramps were ridiculous even with no bleeding. Now I have had very heavy bleeding for 2 days, and the cramps are actually better now that I've really started. Since my acupuncturist told me a big part of my problem is blood stagnation, I'm wondering if what's happening is actually a good thing. I'm trying to be hopeful and have positive thoughts.

I have been feeling a little nervous about the upcoming surgery. I think it's a bit stressful since we are leaving to go to Florida for Christmas not even 2 weeks after my surgery and I'm worried about packing and travel and presents and the animals and getting everything ready. I'm sure it will all work out. We are taking the two little dogs with us to Florida, but have to leave Roo, our border collie here. I wish so much that he could come too, but I could never put him in the cargo area of a plane. The two little ones are small enough that they are able to travel with us on the plane.

I think maybe I am getting close to being ready to start commenting on other's blogs so that maybe some people will start reading mine. I have always been a really private person, so for some reason this seems hard to me. But I have gained so much comfort from reading other's experiences, and I think I would like to be a part of that community. Here's to branching out of your comfort zone!!

Thanksgiving

Ironically, on this day of giving thanks, I started my period. Of course. Well, actually it's just spotting with fetal position inducing cramps, but you know. Guess there's no avoiding that surgery now. Moving on to the next step.

I started my chinese herbs, and all I can say is wow. They're a bitch to swallow. It's sort of a thick liquid that is oh so bitter. My husband holds my hand and my nose, counts it down, and I try to chug it. Ugh.

However, we did spend a very pleasant day with my husband's family. I love to cook, so everyone made contributed. We took the dogs with us, and I went for a walk to the park with my nephew, nieces, and the dogs. I only felt a little sad for a brief period. Mostly it was just fun. It's also hard because I live across the country from my family and don't get to see them as often as I'd like.

Overall, I feel as good as can be expected. I am thankful for my wonderful husband, my precious animals, and loving friends and family. I am also thankful for the food induced coma I am about to slip into....

One day at a time

Well, it is CD30 for me, and AF has not reared her ugly head. Still hoping, but being realistic. I took a pregnancy test this morning, it was negative of course. However, here is my rationalization: I forgot to take the test with my first morning pee, so I had to squeeze some out for the test, so maybe the level of HcG was not high enough to be detectable. Sounds plausible, right? I have not spotted at all this cycle, which is very unusual for me. I'm thinking this is due to the Clomid.

Had my third acupuncture treatment today. Some of those points HURT! The best part though, was last night I had a heat lamp on my abdomen during the treatment. Cozy! I also got my herbs, and do they smell funky. They are powdered, and I will be mixing them in hot water. Sounds delicious! I have not started them yet, because, you know, I am still holding out hope that I might be pregnant, and I don't want to take anything that could be harmful. So silly.

I received an email from my RE today answering some questions I had about the surgery. He responded within one hour of my email! I feel extremely blessed to have such an attentive and compassionate doctor, and his whole staff for that matter. I'm not sure how I would handle it if I had to go to a large clinic and have to fight to talk to my doctor. I hear so many women saying they feel like a number, and often the staff doesn't remember them or their medical history. It should not be like this!!! I am in the veterinary medical field, so my expectations are perhaps a bit higher, but we should all demand to be treated like a person, and have a doctor and other professionals who are compassionate, knowledgeable, and available. If you are not comfortable with your doctor, find a new one!

We will be spending Thanksgiving with my husband's family, and I am a little apprehensive about the inevitable IF questions. We are not hiding anything we are going through, but this will be the first time we have spent a significant amount of time with his family since we started our diagnosis and treatment. Everyone has been loving and supportive, and I am so appreciative for that. I would be lying if I said talking about it isn't difficult, though.

One day at a time...

Starting on the journey

We managed to make some decisions about how to proceed with my infertility treatment. I scheduled surgery for December 4th. I feel pretty good about the decision, especially because I think I will feel better if I know what's going on inside me. If my doctor is unable to unblock my tubes, then we will proceed directly to IVF. If he is able to unblock them, I think we will try several cycles of stimulated IUI's before proceeding to IVF. At least, that is the plan in my head. I will be discussing all this with the doctor. Given my age, I can't afford to waste too much time messing around.

On another note, I started acupuncture treatments. I really like my acupuncturist, and she has experience in treating infertility. She will also be formulating some chinese herbs for me. I had my first treatment Thursday, and it was fairly relaxing. I did have some needles dangerously close to my belly button, and that freaks me out. I have an irrational fear that if something goes inside my belly button, it will go straight into my abdomen. Ridiculous, I know. I guess I better get used to needles in the belly if I have to do IVF. I think I am going to do some research on meditation so I can relax more during the treatments and not have my mind going in a million directions thinking and worrying about everything I have to do.

One of the worst things about dealing with infertility is seeing pregnant women everywhere and trying not to feel bitter about it. I don't want to be a bitter person. Trying to work on this....

Homesick

I just have to verbalize the series of recent events that is my life. I am away from home at a conference, and I have once again realized that I am a homebody. This hotel smells very strange, and not in a good way. The water in the shower is barely lukewarm. This morning the hair dryer in the room had some sort of burning explosion in my hand. There are no restaurants remotely close to here. Last night I got lost trying to find dinner. My room is directly under the bar, which last night seemed to have a 90's stomping theme. Also, my butt really hurts from sitting so much listening to lectures. I have insomnia from being away from my husband and dogs.

Whew, that's a lot of complaining.

I feel a little better.

On a positive note, I hardly ever watch TV but I've been watching this show called Bones tonight and I think I may be hooked.

I can't wait to go home tomorrow.....

Decisions...

So, this is my first ever post blogging. I've been inspired to try this after stalking, I mean reading, every other blog I can find that relates to infertility. Reading about other people's experiences has been therapeutic for me and I hope that having a journal of this process will help me get through it.

My status:

I'm 35 years old, married for one year. We decided to start trying for a family 6 months ago. Call it women's intuition or what you will, but I had a sinking feeling from the start that something would not go according to plan. I have a history of endometriosis (laparascopy 5 years ago) and have been on the pill continuously since then. Ironically, I terminated an unplanned pregnancy when I was 16 years old that resulted from the very first time I had sex. Needless to say, my adult life since that time has consisted of me trying very hard to avoid pregnancy and now I am in the sticky position of being unable to attain something that I tried very hard not to do for a long time. Sometimes karma comes around and kicks you right in the ass. Not to mention the constant guilt that has resulted from that termination and the nagging thoughts that maybe that was it for me, and now I am forever screwed.

After 6 months of TTC, I had the lucky experience of speaking to the surgeon who performed my endometriosis surgery (he just happened to answer the phone when I called to get my surgical report) and he referred me to an RE who has been absolutely wonderful. Initial bloodwork was all normal, hubby's SA normal. I wanted to start treatment right away, so he started me on 100mg Clomid with plans to do IUI. I had an HSG on CD9 which showed both my tubes being blocked proximally at the junction with the uterus. The radiologist was also concerned about a possible fibroid because the shape of my uterus was strange. The next day I saw my RE, who did a saline sonogram (loved having these two awesome procedures back to back) and found no evidence of a fibroid. He thinks I just have a weird shaped uterus. OK.

He gave me 2 choices:

1. Laparascopy to try to unblock my tubes with a cannula. This will also give him the opportunity to have a look see and determine what else might be going on in there. He said he could also resect my tubes if needed, but I'm not sure I really want to go there.

2. Straight to IVF

I have now found myself in the very unwanted and unexpected position of being that infertile woman and trying to adjust to that. Right now I am waiting to hear if my insurance will cover the surgery. I am as of this writing operating under the false hope that some miracle occurred this month and an egg somehow slipped through my perilous fallopian tube to be fertilized. This way, of course, any decision I make about future treatment will be obsolete. Ahh, the power of positive thinking. Or it could be denial. I have spent far too much time researching all the possibilities and statistics. There is no right or good answer.

Infertility is hard. I am amazed at the strength and resilience of all the women and men who deal with this. I hope I can handle it with grace.