Back at home

I have been pretty sporadic about posting lately, I blame it on the holidays and traveling. Probably not the best time to try to do my first ICLW. Oh well.

I started taking Clomid last night. Lucky me, I started my period on Christmas. We were all supposed to go to the late night Christmas Eve service at church, and I got a wicked migraine. Couldn't figure out why until the next day. Incidentally, my last period started on Thanksgiving. Awesome. Anyway, that caused some excitement as I was not expecting AF and was consequently not prepared. Luckily, we found a drugstore that was open. My wonderful DH went to the store all by himself without being asked to get me what I needed. I think he's a keeper. Then I realized I would not be back home in time to see my doctor and start the Clomid on CD3, so I sent an email to my RE on Christmas (so embarrassing) asking if he could call in the Rx to a local pharmacy. He did, and all was well.

Our trip back kind of sucked. We had to go from Jacksonville to Memphis to Las Vegas to Phoenix to Santa Barbara. Talk about a long, round about trip. I think we were either on a plane or in an airport for about 16 hours. At least our luggage made it all the way this time, which is more than I can say for the trip out. I felt really bad for the puppies, but at least we were able to take them outside for a little break in Las Vegas. They are troopers and excellent travelers! We are happy to be back home, but sad to be so far away from my family. As soon as we got back last night, I drove up to get our other dog Roo, and the cats from the kennel. We have a boarding kennel at my work, so that is nice, and I get the added benefit of picking them up at any hour. The only bummer is that it is 45 minutes away, so more traveling! I was just really happy to have everyone home.

I had an appointment with my RE this morning, and everything went well. The ultrasound was a little painful, maybe from the surgery? I am going back on the 4th, and my IUI will probably be towards the end of that week. I am happy to be starting this, anxious about the outcome, and nervous about everything. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I am also really trying to get back to eating healthier after the holiday glut!

I actually remembered to take time off after we got home from vacation this time, so at least I have time to unpack and get situated. Thanks to everyone who commented here from ICLW, it really means a lot to me to have the support of those who know what it is like to be experiencing IF.

A lot of cooking..

Thanks to everyone who stopped by my blog for ICLW. It really is a great feeling to have support from so many women who are going through similar circumstances.

I had a relaxing and happy birthday. We went out to dinner for sushi and then went to a different place for dessert. We had something called "coffee and doughnuts" which is bread pudding made with doughnuts with a creme anglaise sauce served with coffee ice cream. I don't even like coffee and this was delicious! In fact, we have been eating like crazy since we have been on vacation. My sister and I both like to cook, so we get a little out of control sometimes. Then we watched Julie and Julia last night so I dreamed about cooking all night.

So today we are going food shopping (surprise!), taking the dogs to the beach, cooking, and wrapping some presents. My sister and I both made our parents albums of our weddings as part of their presents this year. They arrived yesterday and they are beautiful! When I look back at those pictures it makes me think of how full of possibility we felt. You just feel like everything is going to be perfect. Oh well.

The other thing I have been thinking a lot about is that my sister told me about 2 months ago that she and her husband have also been trying to get pregnant. They have been trying for about 6 months. She is 5 years younger than me. She works in the university system, so she has to follow a certain protocol for her health care. She went to her regular OB/GYN, who did not mention anything about referring her to an RE. Her cycles are very long. I wish she would have asked about getting some tests started, but maybe they won't do that yet. I talked to her a little about seeing an RE and just starting to get some baseline info. It can't hurt. I know she is frustrated and disappointed. How can you not be?

Well, I am going to enjoy my day. Hope everyone else does the same!

I haven't posted in a while, with recovering from surgery and now we are in Florida visiting my family for Christmas. The trip across the country was rather eventful, traveling with 2 dogs and almost missing our connecting flight. Of course our luggage did not arrive until the next day. Running to catch our plane in Dallas did not speed the recovery from surgery any, let me tell you.

But, we are here now and it has been very relaxing. Today is my birthday, and I'm trying to be happy about celebrating it, but I just keep thinking that I am a year older and still no baby. Ugh. However, since I had surgery 2 weeks ago and we are not having any other treatments this month, I am not taking my temperature every day, not taking any OPK's, (trying) not to obsess over bodily symptoms, no sex on a schedule (gasp!) etc. So, we are having sushi tonight!

When I saw my RE for my follow up appointment it was very quick. The best part was that I didn't have to take my pants off! He basically said he felt very hopeful, and even if one of my tubes was not functioning well it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I saw all the pictures of my insides, and I go back in about 2 weeks when we get home from vacation.

If you read my last post about my weird dream, I had another one. This time I worked in a research facility, and there was a little dog there that looked a lot like my dog. The dog was pregnant with an alien baby, and it kept running away because it didn't want us to abort the baby. I know this because the dog talked to me. I may have a small amount of anxiety about all of this.....

Dreams

Last night I had a dream that my husband and I had to go to the RE, and when we got there the first thing we did was swim with dolphins. I was thinking it was kind of strange, but DH was loving it. After our swim, we were watching others through a window, and one of the doctors I work with was swimming with the dolphins. I got upset and said she was cheating and had lied to get there because I know she doesn't want children.

So, we went to talk to the doctor, and it was in a big room with a lot of tables and many other couples. The doctor told me I have a rare form of diabetes, so we will need to use donor eggs. This was a complete shock to me, but DH acted like it was no big deal. When he saw I was having a hard time with it, he said "you were ok with adoption, so what's the problem?"

No one understood that this was a difficult idea to adjust to.

Then they just sent us over to another table to learn how to give injections, and apparently was supposed to give them in my finger. Weird.

After we left the doctor I got in an empty car outside a pet store and was using a computer to "preserve" some eggs and sperm. When the owner of the car came back, he didn't seem to think it was strange that I was in his car, using his computer. I got out of his car and went into the pet store, where there were hundreds of baby birds in incubators pecking at little styrofoam ball type things.

I think I must be having a bit of anxiety about things. Our subconscious is so interesting. It will be good to see the doctor for my follow up appointment to clear some things up and formulate a plan.

Hoping my sleep is dream free tonight....

Wow

Did you know that if you try to order Mel's book, "Navigating the Land of IF" on Amazon, there is an option to add it to your baby registry? Ironic, huh?

Post op

I actually have some good news from my surgery! Honestly, it's still hard for me to believe and accept, because I prepared myself for the worst.

The doctor said when he went in, one tube was already open (really?!?) and he was able to pass the cannula through my other tube. He was only able to get the dye to spill from one side though. I don't really know the significance of that, but I plan on asking him more about it at my follow up appointment. There were no fibroids or polyps, and everything inside my uterus looked fine. He did remove a bit of endometriosis and took care of some scarring and adhesions from my previous surgery.

I don't really remember talking to the doctor after surgery, but he told my husband and best friend that it was good news, he was very happy, and we would move on to the next step when I was healed.

Everyone at the surgical center was wonderful, I felt very well cared for. The only problem was my crappy veins. They couldn't get an IV catheter in, so finally the anesthesiologist got it in. I knew that was going to happen as I have the world's worst veins. I felt pretty crappy after I woke up and the next day. The worst part was that I was so incredibly tired but I couldn't actually fall asleep. My abdomen and shoulders were fairly uncomfortable. I didn't feel too nauseous, but I wasn't really hungry either. Peeing was a real bitch for the first day since they had placed a Foley urinary catheter. I was finally able to sleep last night, so I feel so much better today.

So, I don't know if it was the acupuncture, herbs, or prayers that opened up my tube, but I am very grateful! My husband is super optimistic that everything is going to work out now. I am more cautiously optimistic. I know how many things can go wrong, but I really want to be positive. When I have my follow up appointment, we are going to discuss the plan of action. When I asked prior to the surgery what the plan would be if he was able to open my tubes, he said he would probably recommend several stimulated IUI cycles first. I think we decided 3-4 would be our limit before we moved on to IVF. I think I am ok with this. If it works, that would be wonderful. If it doesn't, I don't feel like we have wasted too much time.

On a weird side note, 2 of our 3 dogs got sick (vomiting and diarrhea) the day of my surgery. I think they got themselves so worked up because they knew something was going on. Poor hubby has had to take care of me and them, and he doesn't have the strongest stomach when it comes to gross things.

My best friend has brought us homemade soup and has come by to take the crazy border collie for a walk every day so that none of us lose our minds. She is just awesome and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I feel very blessed by all the love and caring we have experienced from friends and family throughout this.

The Lord of the Rings is on TV (my favorite!) so I'm just going to veg out and fall asleep watching!

Everything takes longer than you planned for

This morning I had to go have my preop labwork done and silly me, I thought it would be quick and easy. I went to the lab that opened the earliest, 7am, so that I could not be too late to work. I gave my lab requisition and insurance card to the front desk, and waited. 25 minutes later, I was told that oops, they don't do blood typing at this lab anymore, so I will have to go over to the hospital.

Side note here, I take my 3 dogs to work with me everyday, so they were in the car. The 2 little dogs are no problem, but we recently adopted a border collie that had been kicked by a cow and had a broken leg. He is not quite a year old. If anyone has ever owned or known a border collie, you will understand the insanity that he often creates in my life. Because of his very strong herding instincts, he really doesn't like any of his "herd" being away from him. I am part of his herd, and he just about loses his mind when I leave the car. The barking that ensues is embarrassing, to say the least. What can I say, we're working on this behavior.

So, instead of parking in the nice, quiet, empty parking lot of the lab, now I have to park on the busy street near the hospital. The whole time I am away from my car I am just hoping that no one calls the police or Animal Control. I wandered around the hospital that is being remodeled for a while trying to find the lab. When I did find it, they were very efficient and I had the best phlebotomist ever. Which was great, because by this time I am going to be much later for work than I had originally thought. Then, when I was leaving I was waiting for the elevator, and when the doors opened a mom and 4 small children exited. The smallest girl, who was about 4 was staring at me intently. I smiled and waved, and she smiled and waved back. I got in the elevator and stepped to the side to push the button for my floor. The doors are closing, and the next thing I know, that little girl is in the elevator with me! When the doors closed, she looked very concerned and surprised. My first thought was, oh my god I've abducted a child! It was too late to change the direction of the elevator, so we had to go down and back up again, where her mother was waiting. All she could say was "I don't know why she would do that!"

With my emotions running amok lately, it was all I could do not to burst into tears. I was just wishing I could have a small child of my own to follow me around all the time. Ugh, just can't get away from everything that reminds me of my problems. Maybe it was a good omen, I'd rather think of it that way.

Preop

Today I had my preop appointment with my RE. We went over everything he would be doing during the surgery. So, it will be a lap and a hysteroscopy. The only thing that surprised me a little was that he wanted my permission to remove my tube(s) if they were blocked at both ends and filled with fluid since that could interfere with IVF in the future and could also cause me future problems with pain, etc. This is fine with me, as I know that can cause problems with IVF, but the thought of actually not having a tube or tubes....well it's a little disconcerting. If that's the case, there would not be any chance of a miracle happening, ever. I've just got to let go of my messed up tube if I have to. Funny how we want to hold onto hope of any kind.

For some unknown reason, I thought I would just be talking to the doctor today. Silly me. No, I had to have the full exam. Vaginal, ultrasound, breast, the works. I had a moment of modesty today when I realized I was having a breast exam. Because, you know, the doctor's only seen my lady parts countless times, but for some reason I was feeling shy about the boobs. Weird.

Lately I've been thinking about all the things that happen to animals when I put them under anesthesia, and hoping that I don't do anything embarrassing. Guess I'll never know since I'll be asleep. My husband is freaking out about the nothing to eat or drink after midnight. He thinks we need to go have a meal at 11pm. Eating is real important to him. I keep telling him I'll be fine, when I get nervous I'm not very hungry anyway, but I don't think he's buying it. He's already bought me all kinds of goodies for after the surgery.

I also had acupuncture today. There is no end in sight for the hideous herbs. I thought maybe I'd get used to them and it would get easier, but it's not happening. Some of my acupuncture points were extra painful today. I wonder if it makes a difference when you are tense and nervous. I need to work on meditating and relaxing. Only 2 days to go!

Turtles and deer

My acupuncturist sent me a list of everything that is in my chinese herb preparation because I am sure my RE will ask for it. The names were all in chinese, so of course, being the OCD person I am, I set out to google each and every one of them (there were about 50). Turns out, I am ingesting ossified deer antler and fresh water turtle shell along with more mundane things such as cinnamon and Sargassum seaweed. No wonder that shit tastes so bad. Now I'm thinking I was better off not knowing.

I am sitting here now with a heating pad on my head since I'm working up to a real whopper of a headache. I know that most people find relief from headaches with cold, but cold does nothing for me except make me grumpy. I don't know if it's the acupuncture or herbs or what, but this period is different. Warning of possible TMI to come. Usually I have a tiny bit of spotting several days before my period starts, then one day of moderate bleeding, then very light for 2 days. This time I still had a little spotting for 2 days before I started, but the cramps were ridiculous even with no bleeding. Now I have had very heavy bleeding for 2 days, and the cramps are actually better now that I've really started. Since my acupuncturist told me a big part of my problem is blood stagnation, I'm wondering if what's happening is actually a good thing. I'm trying to be hopeful and have positive thoughts.

I have been feeling a little nervous about the upcoming surgery. I think it's a bit stressful since we are leaving to go to Florida for Christmas not even 2 weeks after my surgery and I'm worried about packing and travel and presents and the animals and getting everything ready. I'm sure it will all work out. We are taking the two little dogs with us to Florida, but have to leave Roo, our border collie here. I wish so much that he could come too, but I could never put him in the cargo area of a plane. The two little ones are small enough that they are able to travel with us on the plane.

I think maybe I am getting close to being ready to start commenting on other's blogs so that maybe some people will start reading mine. I have always been a really private person, so for some reason this seems hard to me. But I have gained so much comfort from reading other's experiences, and I think I would like to be a part of that community. Here's to branching out of your comfort zone!!

Thanksgiving

Ironically, on this day of giving thanks, I started my period. Of course. Well, actually it's just spotting with fetal position inducing cramps, but you know. Guess there's no avoiding that surgery now. Moving on to the next step.

I started my chinese herbs, and all I can say is wow. They're a bitch to swallow. It's sort of a thick liquid that is oh so bitter. My husband holds my hand and my nose, counts it down, and I try to chug it. Ugh.

However, we did spend a very pleasant day with my husband's family. I love to cook, so everyone made contributed. We took the dogs with us, and I went for a walk to the park with my nephew, nieces, and the dogs. I only felt a little sad for a brief period. Mostly it was just fun. It's also hard because I live across the country from my family and don't get to see them as often as I'd like.

Overall, I feel as good as can be expected. I am thankful for my wonderful husband, my precious animals, and loving friends and family. I am also thankful for the food induced coma I am about to slip into....

One day at a time

Well, it is CD30 for me, and AF has not reared her ugly head. Still hoping, but being realistic. I took a pregnancy test this morning, it was negative of course. However, here is my rationalization: I forgot to take the test with my first morning pee, so I had to squeeze some out for the test, so maybe the level of HcG was not high enough to be detectable. Sounds plausible, right? I have not spotted at all this cycle, which is very unusual for me. I'm thinking this is due to the Clomid.

Had my third acupuncture treatment today. Some of those points HURT! The best part though, was last night I had a heat lamp on my abdomen during the treatment. Cozy! I also got my herbs, and do they smell funky. They are powdered, and I will be mixing them in hot water. Sounds delicious! I have not started them yet, because, you know, I am still holding out hope that I might be pregnant, and I don't want to take anything that could be harmful. So silly.

I received an email from my RE today answering some questions I had about the surgery. He responded within one hour of my email! I feel extremely blessed to have such an attentive and compassionate doctor, and his whole staff for that matter. I'm not sure how I would handle it if I had to go to a large clinic and have to fight to talk to my doctor. I hear so many women saying they feel like a number, and often the staff doesn't remember them or their medical history. It should not be like this!!! I am in the veterinary medical field, so my expectations are perhaps a bit higher, but we should all demand to be treated like a person, and have a doctor and other professionals who are compassionate, knowledgeable, and available. If you are not comfortable with your doctor, find a new one!

We will be spending Thanksgiving with my husband's family, and I am a little apprehensive about the inevitable IF questions. We are not hiding anything we are going through, but this will be the first time we have spent a significant amount of time with his family since we started our diagnosis and treatment. Everyone has been loving and supportive, and I am so appreciative for that. I would be lying if I said talking about it isn't difficult, though.

One day at a time...

Starting on the journey

We managed to make some decisions about how to proceed with my infertility treatment. I scheduled surgery for December 4th. I feel pretty good about the decision, especially because I think I will feel better if I know what's going on inside me. If my doctor is unable to unblock my tubes, then we will proceed directly to IVF. If he is able to unblock them, I think we will try several cycles of stimulated IUI's before proceeding to IVF. At least, that is the plan in my head. I will be discussing all this with the doctor. Given my age, I can't afford to waste too much time messing around.

On another note, I started acupuncture treatments. I really like my acupuncturist, and she has experience in treating infertility. She will also be formulating some chinese herbs for me. I had my first treatment Thursday, and it was fairly relaxing. I did have some needles dangerously close to my belly button, and that freaks me out. I have an irrational fear that if something goes inside my belly button, it will go straight into my abdomen. Ridiculous, I know. I guess I better get used to needles in the belly if I have to do IVF. I think I am going to do some research on meditation so I can relax more during the treatments and not have my mind going in a million directions thinking and worrying about everything I have to do.

One of the worst things about dealing with infertility is seeing pregnant women everywhere and trying not to feel bitter about it. I don't want to be a bitter person. Trying to work on this....

Homesick

I just have to verbalize the series of recent events that is my life. I am away from home at a conference, and I have once again realized that I am a homebody. This hotel smells very strange, and not in a good way. The water in the shower is barely lukewarm. This morning the hair dryer in the room had some sort of burning explosion in my hand. There are no restaurants remotely close to here. Last night I got lost trying to find dinner. My room is directly under the bar, which last night seemed to have a 90's stomping theme. Also, my butt really hurts from sitting so much listening to lectures. I have insomnia from being away from my husband and dogs.

Whew, that's a lot of complaining.

I feel a little better.

On a positive note, I hardly ever watch TV but I've been watching this show called Bones tonight and I think I may be hooked.

I can't wait to go home tomorrow.....

Decisions...

So, this is my first ever post blogging. I've been inspired to try this after stalking, I mean reading, every other blog I can find that relates to infertility. Reading about other people's experiences has been therapeutic for me and I hope that having a journal of this process will help me get through it.

My status:

I'm 35 years old, married for one year. We decided to start trying for a family 6 months ago. Call it women's intuition or what you will, but I had a sinking feeling from the start that something would not go according to plan. I have a history of endometriosis (laparascopy 5 years ago) and have been on the pill continuously since then. Ironically, I terminated an unplanned pregnancy when I was 16 years old that resulted from the very first time I had sex. Needless to say, my adult life since that time has consisted of me trying very hard to avoid pregnancy and now I am in the sticky position of being unable to attain something that I tried very hard not to do for a long time. Sometimes karma comes around and kicks you right in the ass. Not to mention the constant guilt that has resulted from that termination and the nagging thoughts that maybe that was it for me, and now I am forever screwed.

After 6 months of TTC, I had the lucky experience of speaking to the surgeon who performed my endometriosis surgery (he just happened to answer the phone when I called to get my surgical report) and he referred me to an RE who has been absolutely wonderful. Initial bloodwork was all normal, hubby's SA normal. I wanted to start treatment right away, so he started me on 100mg Clomid with plans to do IUI. I had an HSG on CD9 which showed both my tubes being blocked proximally at the junction with the uterus. The radiologist was also concerned about a possible fibroid because the shape of my uterus was strange. The next day I saw my RE, who did a saline sonogram (loved having these two awesome procedures back to back) and found no evidence of a fibroid. He thinks I just have a weird shaped uterus. OK.

He gave me 2 choices:

1. Laparascopy to try to unblock my tubes with a cannula. This will also give him the opportunity to have a look see and determine what else might be going on in there. He said he could also resect my tubes if needed, but I'm not sure I really want to go there.

2. Straight to IVF

I have now found myself in the very unwanted and unexpected position of being that infertile woman and trying to adjust to that. Right now I am waiting to hear if my insurance will cover the surgery. I am as of this writing operating under the false hope that some miracle occurred this month and an egg somehow slipped through my perilous fallopian tube to be fertilized. This way, of course, any decision I make about future treatment will be obsolete. Ahh, the power of positive thinking. Or it could be denial. I have spent far too much time researching all the possibilities and statistics. There is no right or good answer.

Infertility is hard. I am amazed at the strength and resilience of all the women and men who deal with this. I hope I can handle it with grace.